Captain Toad's Day After Work
by Toad men
Summary: Captain Toad is having it rough after his job. He tries to take his mind off of things.


"Ah, man."

The captain was exhausted from his previous day working at the soup kitchen. All the work eating all the soup is clearly getting to his head. After all, that's where his stomach is located. And so, the captain rose up from his bed, fell over, and struggled to get up. This was not an uncommon occurrence, for his midget arms and fat orb shaped body made it hard to get up. He mustered up all his strength to do the most intense push up in his entire life. And in doing so, his upper body rises from the ground, and then gravity violently pulls him back down. But upon hitting the floor, the bounciness of his head helps him boing back up into an upright position. This was highly painful seeing as he was essentially hit in the stomach, as well as the rest of his vital organs that are all in there. It wasn't uncommon to lose a few brain cells in the process each morning.

Feeling sick from that hit, he rushes over to the bathroom as fast as he can, but his lack of legs makes him trip again, only this time he falls down the stairs. Luckily, the stroke he had afterwards wasn't too severe. He made his way to the downstairs bathroom and quickly looked in the mirror. He was immediately blinded since his head strap light was always attached and on at all times. He was having a horrible day, but he couldn't take it off, because that's the one thing that gives him identity, and removing it will erase all memories of ever being anything other than an soulless NPC. So, he sucked it up, stared the light in the face to find that his own was unshaven and awful looking.

Still staring at the light much to his pain and suffering, he grabs his katana and attempts to shave himself. Seeing that he wasn't able to see (badum tss), he accidentally chopped his arm off. Today was just not his day. He tried again and ended somehow cutting off the arm that was holding the blade. He didn't even feel pain anymore, he was just completely numb by now. He decided to just walk out and give up. He quickly ran into a table and then a chair, because he could no longer see from all the blinding light he was subjecting himself to. Once he stumbles onto a couch, he just decides to sit as he needlessly bleeds out.

Having memorized where the remote is, he reaches out to grab it and turn on the radio. Except he didn't actually do that because he had chopped off his arms. So instead, he slammed his head into the table, guessing where it was, and suffered a minor case of serious brain damage. But at least the radio was on.

It was playing the song "Welcome to the Toad Parade". He hadn't lost his hearing for the time being, so he just sat there and did his best to sing along with the words.

"_When I was, a young toad, a turtle took me into the castle, to say that peach was gone."_

"_He said 'Toad, where's the princess?' 'She's missing. She's in another castle. And I am here instead.'"_

Captain toad began to cry (at least he thinks so, because he's stevie wonder now) because this was the song that him and Toadette sung together all the time. He was never the same after she left him for a birdo and took the kids with her. The song started to pick up into the chorus.

"_I'm coming for yoooouuuuu, and birdo tooooooooo"_

"_And though the kids are gone believe me… I'm coming for you in your sleeeeep."_

"_So not a peeeep. Or I will pop your squishy head and… put the remains in my soouup."_

After listening to this song, he found that it had this subtle hint of murderous intent behind it that he never noticed before. And he was inspired. From that day on, he was Toad the Ripper. No longer will he settle for being Captain Toad. No longer will he subject himself to this kind of daily routine. From now on, he will only eat of soup with toad remains. It hasn't stopped him before. He contemplated whether or not that's why they threw him out of the soup kitchen for a moment, but he think they just didn't like his bean recipe. Soup kitchens should serve more than soup, but that's not important now. What's important is getting out there and adventuring. An adventure of searching for justice of those that wronged him. How dare Toadette leave because of his so called "recklessness that always gets you hurt" or a slight "serious drinking problem".

Well, now he is a new toad, so he immediately gets up and runs into a wall and falls over because he once again is blind. Once he bounces back up with his torso energy (because he's an amputee now) he loses feeling in his pancreas stored up there and rushes straight out the door. To which he runs straight off a cliff because he forgot he lived in a maximum security prison on a giant mountain. He is hit by a truck right before he hits the ground, killing him instantly.

The rest of the world carried on after that fateful day. After his death, nothing really changed, because he was not that significant. Birds kept flying, the sun is still shining, flowers are still blooming, and toadette and birdo are still in therapy after being trapped in abusive relationships with a serial killer. So yeah, life carried on as normal.

Also a bolt of lightning struck his corpse even though he was already dead and it was super sunny outside.

The End.


End file.
